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Parasite Eve

Review by: 
Head Cheeze
Release Date: 
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Masayuki Ochiai
Hiroshi Mikami
Tomoko Nakajima
Bottom Line: 

Insomnia has been a problem that has plagued millions of people worldwide for ages. Billions of dollars in research, medications, and man-hours have come up with some cures of questionable effectiveness, but I think that, perhaps, the Japanese have come up with the safest and most effective therapy yet. It's not a pill, it's not a tonic, and it has absolutely no side-effects. This therapy is a film, and this film is called Parasite Eve.
While I'd love to give you a thorough synopsis of what goes on in this film, it just isn't possible for, you see, I could not keep my eyes open for more than ten minutes at a time. Here, instead, I offer you a recreation of my viewing of Parasite Eve.
"Oh, best put this one in now" I say as I tear the cellophane wrapping from the DVD case and toss the disc into my player. "Ahhh, nice. A trailer for The Hypnotist! Loved that film!! Oh, wait, here comes Parasite Eve."
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....."Huh? What? Oh, Kiyomi is dead? Mitochondria, eh? I see, so he is going to........."
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...cough..cough..."Why is that man on fire?...Shit, I better...oh, wait...looks like a blob of goop is gonna fall on him! Okay, now this may be...Mitochondria? Hmm................................."
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
"Honey! Wake up!" Says my girlfriend as she arrives home from work. "What the hell were you watching?"
"Well, I was watching Parasite Eve, and it was about cells and....shit."
"So I take it the movie sucked?" she asks laughing after I just bought the movie for $20 bucks the day before.
"I...don't....know. It wouldn't LET me watch it!" I said, as I felt drowsy at the mere thought of the film. "I need coffee."
Okay, so perhaps that's not EXACTLY how it happened, but it was close. I watched the first 45 minutes, which moved along at the pace of an 80 year old man in a pissing contest, and drifted off after listening to what seemed like a Japanese biology class gone awry. When I came to later on, there WERE indeed people on fire, and then the movie ended. I watched the WHOLE frigging film over again later that night, hopped up on Diet Coke and cigarettes, and while I DID manage to remain conscious, Parasite Eve bored the living shit out of me. Perhaps it was the fact that it was a slow paced Sci-Fi flick and devoid of any horror elements at all, or it could have just been that the hot Kiyomo characters nipples were airbrushed out of all of her nude scenes, but I just didn't dig Parasite Eve. I will say, however, that the production values are top-notch, and director Masayuki did create some creepy atmosphere, but I still have no idea what the fucking movie was about, nor do I care. At some points I was playing with my toes.
Parasite Eve is based on a novel that inspired the video game which, by all accounts, is quite spooky. The film, however, is strictly Sci-Fi "X-Files" drama and hasn't a single moment of terror to its credit. If you like slow moving tales about biology with silly dialogue and no discernible plot or reasoning, then by all means, watch this film. If, however, you are spoiled like me and have this need to remain conscious through a film, then avoid this like a priest in a daycare center.
The AD Vision DVD is devoid of extras, save for the aforementioned Hypnotist trailer and one for this film. The picture quality is brilliant, and the sound mix is one of the best I've heard, with sounds coming at me from all angles of the room, but they could not drown out the sound of my relentless sobbing for the wasted $20 bucks that I could have used to buy...well...anything else.

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