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Passion Beach 3

Review by: 
Release Date: 
Staunton Adult Entertainment
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
S Watts
April Fhule
Samantha Faux
Bottom Line: 

Imagine the wildest, nastiest sex you’ve previously only seen in your fantasies. Now multiply that by ten and you cum close to the stuff on this video. Hot young girls, Bare-ly legal, vie for your undivided attention as they spread their legs for your pleasure! We’ve gathered some of the best material in our triple-X Archives to bring you this latest addition to your adult video collection.

Or so reads the back cover of PASSION BEACH 3.  While I hate to review any volume 3 of an obviously taut, plot driven series such as this without first seeing the previous episodes, it should be noted that there never were movies entitled PASSION BEACH 1 or PASSION BEACH 2. I know it’s hard to believe, but there is actually no movie entitled PASSION BEACH 3 either.  This is actually an empty prop box of a film that never existed, primarily used onscreen as background set dressing for films and television series as provided by a company that provides fake products to television and movie productions.

Normally an empty DVD box would inspire a harsh review from me on any other day of the year but in the case of erotic film, this product might be an act of ideological marketing genius if not a symbolic empty vessel that captures the very spirit of all adult film. Allow me to explain a sonly I can. Perhaps more than any other sub-genre of film, there is no way that the masterfully edited boxed promises of hardcore pornography could ever live up to the sexual fantasies that are suggested, all but depicted on the back of an adult film box even and especially when comparing them to the real world. Porno promises our childlike, insatiable male psyches a beautiful, impossible fantasy world where everyone is forever young and physically beautiful, always “in the mood” and in total agreement with whatever sexual personal fetish which most appeals to you personally and yet no one has to worry too much about “protection”, heartbreak or consequences.  This is truly a marvelous bit of escapism indeed, but it doesn’t take a feminist, woman’s rights advocate or a licensed marriage therapist to tell us that too much of this stuff may be bad for our male brains, not just because some men may hold ladies to an artificial ideal that no woman, no human in fact, may maintain over their lifetime. Additionally some men may also find themselves believing (however subliminally) that women have no value whatsoever unless they are naked, dripping from every orifice and aching to please all men sexually with the only evidence of a woman’s self-expression or independent thought occurring during that heartfelt, special moment when she asks the man “if he would mind if her hot naked girlfriend joins in?”. Yet soon the film is done, the fantasy elapsed and the movie is put on the shelf and forgotten but what is learned is a set of attitudes and behaviors which makes the porn aficionado perhaps more alone than even before and it isn’t long before even more movies will have to be purchased, harder movies with even more lurid promises based on sexual unrealism and solitary enjoyment, because by the time you have seen too much of this stuff the titles you like best don’t simply count as a “date movie” in the least anymore. Adult films are perhaps best enjoyed with a partner, to give them some semblance of a healthy; shared, pulse raising vicarious viewing experience between two real-life, would-be lovers. Yet many perfectly normal guys who have a huge collection of such films may find themselves being judged as well, not because they are lost in a sexist, impossible X rated fantasy with their every waking thought, but because many decent ladies will never believe that at the end of the day that a man who would own such a collection of unfettered film fornications could ever truly believe in their heart of hearts that women are our respected equals in all things, (if not our betters in many areas in fact) and not just the masterful ability to wield cattle prods and tabasco sauce soaked speculums on each other in forced medical play scenarios while wearing nothing but nurses hats and white patent leather, thigh high jackboots…(or so I am told, *coughs*)

Nonetheless, it has been scientifically proven that if a man ate nothing but candy he would die sooner than a man who ate nothing at all.  Such is the story with a lonely man who watched nothing but porn, a man who would likely be lonelier and more unfit for a real life relationship with a loving woman who had normal human sensibilities, feelings and emotions than a man who watched no DVD’s at all.  Perhaps this is why this particular empty video shell “prick tease” of a porno film PASSION BEACH 3 creates a particularly maddening lust in the male viewer for sexual scenarios that actually never exist nowhere whatsoever in this world, not even in the damn blank DVD enclosed in the box itself, despite its suggestive cover art and usual promises of “sick, hot content” on the back cover.  This ultimate “dirty trick” pressed to DVD will leave most male viewers completely cheated, potentially chafed, causing an almost sado-machistic cock blocking level of infinite, ultimate disappointment that truly shatters the fourth wall of their innermost, real life, cinematic, sexual expectations…perhaps more so than any real porno movie yet at a fraction of the price and running time. If that isn’t considered hard core, I don’t know what is!

I am giving this five skulls, the fact that it cannot actually be viewed gives it a rare collector’s appeal not unlike the XXX films of Traci Lords which are also completely commercially unavailable.  Besides, truth be told, it’s not like watching a blank disk is all that terrible, when compared to most of the films Full Moon has sent me over the years. And while PASSION BEACH 3 understandably has no extras whatsoever, the simple fact that it claims it has bonus outtake footage “that is considered too risqué for the main feature”, is simply too enticing a prospect to ignore, because as a mature film reviewer I always try to give a film the benefit of the doubt whenever professionally possible.

Special Thanks To Sherrill Watts Justo and “Prop Graphics” for the film.





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