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Revolting Dead, The

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Directed by: 
Michael Su
Shelley Delayne
Aaron Gaffey
Bokhara Robinson
Michael Falls
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 When the opening credits for The Revolting Dead hit the screen, I was instantly reminded of my old Atari 800 XL computer, and such classic titles as Ultima, Bruce Lee, and Spy Hunter. Needless to say, the entire production is on about the same level.
The Crain family runs a funeral home where they somehow get away with digging up the corpses and reburying them in the same casket. They steal all the jewelry, wear it around, and never get caught. Well, almost never. When chain-smoking Duke (whose girlfriend dies in the cemetery in the opening scene but he never even bothers to investigate) and Marisa (whose brother is dug up) team up to find out what really happened, the dead walk and town sluts die!
After Marisa completes a druidic spell, eerily reminiscent of Sandy Duncan in Peter Pan, her brother Jonathon becomes the first of a score of recently buried dead to come back and desire revenge…or at least growl and bitch a lot. The tandem of subplots includes who’s banging who (everyone), who only knows one guitar chord (Duke), and who’s behind it all (who cares?).
A special note has to be made on behalf of the giant, man-eating crickets who sit just off-screen during several moments of plot exposition. They’re never shown during the movie, but they’re so fucking loud that dialogue is turned to a practice in lip-reading.
While not enough time and effort was spent on several aspects of the film, extra bonus points go to whoever was in charge of icing all nipples before shooting. Any “hot” chick in the film is required at all times to have hardened nipples. Oh, and like all the classics, people routinely have sex through their boxer shorts.
Despite the fact that the ceremony takes place ten minutes into the movie, and the zombies raise from the grave within the first 25, they don’t seem to find the house of their ultimate revenge, the giant white funeral home (the only one in town), until several other murders take place, along with a ton of unnecessary dialogue between the members of the Crain family. Also, Duke and Marisa get to fill up their frequent eaters card at the local pancake joint.
In programming, there’s a term; First in, Last Out (FILO). In this case, it applies to the zombies and their ability to find their way to revenge. The zombies raised from the dead first don’t find the funeral home till the more recently deceased are already strolling around the place. As a matter of fact, the first family victim has to go TO the cemetery for the zombies to even find them.
It’s not a clever, non-linear filming technique, a la Pulp Fiction. It’s just shitty plotline. (Check this out: so one of the dead is IN the funeral home, runs all the way to the cemetery to try and rape the mediocre daughter (yes, through his boxers) and then joins up with the other zombies to go back to the funeral home. They all run fast as hell when they’re chasing people, but it’s still taken them days to try and find their way there.)
I know, it’s a dead horse, but the editing even drives this home. At one point, the back of the car is in the cemetery and the front of the car is at the funeral home. Eventually, the zombies find the place, led by the biology class skeleton, and vengeance of painful and gory fashion ensues. Marisa saves Duke in a wave of effects most recently seen in Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker. She has the power to raise and control the dead, but no control over those nasty roots that prove she’s not blonde.
Anyway, The Revolting Dead, to put it politely, sucks ass. It was a fun watch though, for fans of total no-budget crap, and a good time was had by all who decided to mock the movie instead of pray it was salvageable. Seeing as how that’s probably what the filmmakers intended, we’ll give them a little credit, but just a little.

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