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Schoolgirl Report Vol.9

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Release Date: 
Impulse Pictures
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Walter Boos
Puppa Armbruster
Sandra Atia
Ulrich Beiger
Bottom Line: 

Long before the words “Barely Legal Teens” became part of the pornographers lexicon, there was a series of ponderous soft-core erotic films from Germany known as the Schulmädchen-Report: or “Schoolgirl Report”. Loosely based on the works of a German sex therapist named Gunther Hunold, it employed a sleazy, cheesy way to get around censorship edicts at the time, making this film part of a Sub-genre known as a “White Coater”. Films such as this got away with portraying scenes of sexuality after the onscreen appearance of a doctor discusses the scene we are about to see, thus making them seem educational in nature rather than just erotic.  Eventually the censorship laws were relaxed and such trickery was largely discontinued by the mid-seventies. Let us once again study this SCHOOLGIRL REPORT and see what sort of grade it deserves?

At the start of the film a large gang of young, drunk college twenty something’s pile into twin sedans and race on the Autobahn in an insanely reckless manner, taking up both lanes, trading paint and playfully slap fighting each other through the passenger windows as their cars continue to jostle and bump against each other on the winding mountain road through ever increasing speeds.. Had this familiar scene been a simple opening to an American “educational” auto safety film from the 1970’s you might certainly rest assured that all of the teens were soon learn the error of their ways by suddenly seeing what their insides look like in the always ensuing grisly crash, once it surely occurred in the next scene. Yet because this film is another entry in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series, the only “life changing accidents” in cars that seem to occur are the ones that occur in the back seats of cars that cause unwanted pregnancy.  This is why after the accident, no one is killed, yet many of the teens are hospitalized which leaves a string of victim reports to be read and discussed by two aged desk officers who get a rare glimpse of what our teens are really up to today-or as is always the case of the Schoolgirl Report films “What German teens were like in the 1970’s”.

Here are the stories of the individual young couples as they are reenacted in vignette.

18 year old Petra is getting married to an auto mechanic named Horst.  Why not? Petra is pretty, seeks secondary education and has dreams of something greater. Horst likes bowling with the guys and banging random floozies.  Their marriage is a wacky fifteen minute sitcom based on soft-core sex, comedic bedroom hijinks about sexual dysfunction and the emotional sadness of all doomed love affairs.  Petra’s parents are exasperated and a kindly teacher also voices his concern for this ill-starred coupling and it proves to be a self-fulfilling prophesy. The moral message “Young people should NEVER question the wisdom of authoritarian figures in their lives” hasn’t been stated so redundantly and dryly by Germans since the Second World War where this basic philosophy got them into more than a little trouble.

Next is the story of Tessy, a precocious young girl who struggles with her decision to go to a sex orgy hosted by Lilo the rich girl who has no parental authority.  Along the way she meets Paul, an attractive outcast boy who encourages her not to attend such a thing.  Of course when she runs into Paul later at the party it seems that his motives may be suspect, and in fact may have showed up just to put the moves on her.  Turns out he just showed up to spike the punch so everybody falls asleep, just so he can take Tessy back to his house where his mother can safely disrobe her and put her to bed, so she can be taken safely back home the next morning… As usual with the antics of a SCHOOLGIRL REPORT movie, I can’t decide whether Paul’s actions are noble, hilarious or simply deranged. Of course as any soft-core sex movie that slyly, falsely purports claims to teach responsible teen lessons, I am not sure the distinction is something even the director could answer, without winking and laughing slyly.

Elke is the subject of our next little story, if not her friend Susanne who has recently the victim of a scandal.  While meeting with someone from family services Elke tells the story of the lesbian affair that she had been having with Suzanne until her stepfather catches them in the act.  Afterward he begins molesting his stepdaughter until her mother catches them in bed together.  Oh, and by the way she is now pregnant with his secret child. Do your like your erotica to include scenes of schoolgirls at play with a surprise incest plotline at the end that wounds all joy within you and destroys all chance at arousal? I hope so, because that’s what you are getting.

Katja is a college girl who comes home with her lover in tow just in time to find out that her parents are celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary by dressing up as the youth of the day, speaking in slang and dancing spastically to “rock and roll”. There are some rather classic comedic exchanges here between the parents as they try to argue with each other, speaking only in teenage slang, but the fact that this film is close to forty years old and from another country makes their attempts at portraying youth, hip culture

Seem impossibly awry. At least Katja and her interactions with her boyfriend counteract the old, dated fashion as they engage in the perquisite young unrated sex throughout much of this.

Claudia is a virgin who cannot stand to engage in lovemaking with her boyfriend because she keeps having flashbacks to the time when a flasher showed his giant fake penis whenever she becomes intimate with her boyfriend.  It is a terrible scene, that’s why the movie insists on showing it to you every time whenever the action heats up between them; a veritable, virtual IMAX experience of cock blocking for you, the home viewer.

Monika has a lover named Karl who is down on his luck. He has a hard time finding work and respectability so she secretly attempts to seduce one of Karl’s most womanizing friends in the hopes that he will get him job with his influential father who works in government. The resulting drama actually is a touching story of respect, friendship and loyalty that is seldom seen in a SCHOOLGIRL REPORT volume and the usual unflinching depictions of sex crazed German teenagers on the rut. As usual, the final decent, poignant story of the lot means we are done. Also the fact that the final act takes place at a party involving every character we have met thus far can only mean something big is about to happen…

As expected, at this point in the film all of the young couples we have met thus far pile into their cars, start their drunken race and it seems we have come full circle.  Once again, this SCHOOLGIRL REPORT is a heavy handed bit of insane propaganda that randomly mixes responsible messages of dating, love and sex with soft-core scenes designed obviously to titillate.  As all forgotten, foreign films its saving grace is that it is unique, goofy and defies convention, if not sheer description.

The sex scenes are constant but heartfelt; the tone is light even as certain stories are full of stark adult themes that no after school special would even tackle. Furthermore, despite their lofty intentions as a tool for pro social education, the only underlying social message that these films ever seem to make is that “Pretty, German, big breasted college aged girls are having too much wild sex today for the wrong reasons, let’s watch them do exactly that for the next ten minutes until something bad happens to them. Oh No!”  As always it’s a hot mess that not so much educates as it aches the head.

Extras Include Nothing.

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