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Schoolgirl Report Volume 8

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Ernst Hofbauer
Wolf Ackva
Puppa Armbruster
Sandra Atia
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Long before the words “Barely Legal Teens” became part of the pornographers lexicon, there was a series of ponderous soft-core erotic films from Germany known as the Schulmädchen-Report: or “Schoolgirl Report”. Loosely based on the works of a German sex therapist named Gunther Hunold, it employed a sleazy, cheesy way to get around censorship edicts at the time, making this film part of a Sub-genre known as a “White Coater”. Films such as this got away with portraying scenes of sexuality after the onscreen appearance of a doctor discusses the scene we are about to see, thus making them seem educational in nature rather than just erotic.  Eventually the censorship laws were relaxed and such trickery was largely discontinued by the mid-seventies. Similarly because we are now eight volumes deep into the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series, there is no longer a doctor narrator who seeks to lend medical credibility to the scenes of soft-core dry humping. The girls themselves each tell their own story and in an exact model of SEX IN THE CITY style of storytelling, the wacky sex scenes accentuate the women’s always carnal conversations in the form of flashback. Let us read this “schoolgirls report” for ourselves and see if it passes the grade.

While this is admittedly the first volume of this series I have reviewed, according to the considerable research I have done, this is more of the same film you would expect from earlier entries in the series even without a “doctor in the house” explaining the significance of every scene, if not the “shocking” reality of actual teen sexual behavior in Germany. Here is a brief synopsis of the action that takes place here in Volume eight so you can decide for yourself if any of these particular vignettes are alluring to you as they are revealed, in flashback, over the course of a very sexy field trip.

Gisela is a clumsy young girl who seduces a young laborer through many clunky and backwards attempts at seduction.  She eventually succeeds when she catches him masturbating and offers him a helping hand “so to speak”.

Annette is pregnant, when pressed for details by one of her friends she relays the story of seduction and love by a charming medical Student who may just prove to be her life’s great love (provided he ever comes back by the end of the film, that is). Does he? Let’s just say that the doctor is in...

Once, in class Monica and Jutta torment an attractive but stern female professor named Mrs. Eberhardt by saying crude, distasteful and sexual things during a serious Biology class discussion on the pollination of plants.  When she sternly scolds and humiliates them they secretly set her up with a local sleaze ball, local womanizer named Hans because they think she somehow needs sexual release.  Turns out they were right. She comes back from the liaison looking absolutely sexy and she promptly begins teaching her class about all manner of sordid, sexual and filthy things. Apparently it seems the teacher has now become the student, if not the “town pump”. I liked this one; it was bad brained, goofy and a cinematic mirror image photo negative to every touching movie I have ever seen about an inspiring teacher changing young minds for the better.

Two of the teens Gaby and Uschi are comparing their breasts in as a pervert steals their clothes and chases them naked through a meadow borrowing each of the the distinct production tricks from MONTY PYTHON, THE BENNY HILL SHOW and LAUGH IN. They are rescued by two young chivalrous men named Heinz and Werner who bang them silly instead while they make the pervert strip down to his underwear and watch them. Now that’s a stiff sentence!

Another Girl named Susanne engages in a joyless, long term affair with an older man named Grumbach to keep him from getting fired.  How distinctively practical and German of her?

Finally there is the love story scandal of the young teacher named Steinbach who is having relations with one of his students Evi, who secretly is actually his wife.  Did I say Scandal?  I mean to say “red herring” designed to tie all the stories together and end this mess on a fairly high brow, moral note.

And there you have it.  While it is subtitled German, soft-core and features mid twenty something starlets playing high school sluts, the hottest thing about this film (I suppose) is not the real breasts and the dense omnipresent thickets of 1970’s big bush on display. Every single young girl in this film is some kind of unblinking, insatiable sex maniac and each one of them engages in what would be scandalous, career killing liaisons with any or everyone in sight at every possible moment.  I recommend watching it with the subtitles off for the first time especially if you don’t speak a lick of German, because the actions of the girls seem more methodical, meaner and somehow ultimately based on something more sinister than just the hormonal whim and fancy of youth when you can’t hear all the trivialities of their stupid adolescent sexual banter. Their constant, incessant schoolgirl giggling takes on a whole new dimension when spoken between blocks of rapid fire incomprehensible German dialogue and I’m guessing the folks from the Fatherland would have wanted it to be watched this way and not just for the common sense reason of their own basic comprehension. Trust me; it is a whole different film.

I give it a two, it wasn’t bad but my research has shown that previous episodes of the “Schoolgirl” series were much less “academic” and “remedial” in its look at young sexuality.

Extras Include Nothing. 

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