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Sleepstalker

Review by: 
Samara's Madness
Release Date: 
1994
Studio: 
Lionsgate
Genre: 
Horror
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
1 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.33:1
Directed by: 
Turi Meyer
Cast: 
Michel Harris
Jay Underwood
Kathryn Morris
Movie: 
1
Extras: 
0
Bottom Line: 
1

Oh B-movie paradise! What an oasis you've created! How many unintentional laughs have you delivered since your equally unintentional creation? Hmmm… countless! “Sleepstalker” is indeed one of these gems; and I mean pure, lowest common denominator, “Sci-Fi channel labor day weekend movie marathon” bad. Yeah, so bad it's FUNNY! Let me give you a rundown.
 
In the opening sequence, we observe as “The Sandman” (a strange killer who has a bizarre unfounded fetish for murdering families who ONLY have seven year old sons) creeps into the home of a young boy named Griffin . After watching The Sandman brutally kill his parents and pour sand into their eyes (see… there's your hook) he manages to outrun the deranged psychopath long enough for police to swoop in and save the day, after which Sandman is promptly incarcerated. Cut to two decades later- Griffin (now played by Jay Underpants… Excuse me… UnderWOOD… I have a condition) is a fucked up (naturally) writer covering the L.A. gang scene with his not-quite-girlfriend Megan (a doe eyes Kathryn Morris) while “Sandman” is facing his maker on death row. Before his number is up, he asks a security guard if he would oblige him one last look at the moon. It's against regulations but the officer agrees (of course, or else there would no more movie to watch), taking notice of the rosary around his neck. As Sandman looks to the moon (I think that's the only name he's given, either that or it was mentioned so passively that I don't remember… which makes it a pain in the ass for me to have to keep writing Sandman all the time) the rosary transforms into a hideous knifelike perversion of a crucifix and plunges the unholy tool into his hands. Unfortunately the guards catch him before he bleeds out and takes him to the gas chamber anyway, the rosary he used to mutilate himself, now nothing more than sand. After the ghastly affair is over with Sandman is visited by an blasphemous priest who gives him new life, powers, and a three day time limit to kill Griffin (his brother it turns out, but who cares in a movie so righteously absurd) or face eternal torment (but really, wouldn't that have happened anyways?)
 
I'm sure your thoroughly engaged by now (Hmmm) but the series of events that ensue are less and less engaging as the film prattles on and the paper-thin characters don't help at all. Who the hell are these actors anyways? I don't mind seeing fresh faces as long as they're good, but this is one instance where budgetary constraints showed up in the acting too (which; I find, rarely happens), At least Sci-Fi Channel gets DECENT actors for their movies regardless of how poor the material may be-even the term “expressionless” fails to describe it accurately. Another question; who the fuck wrote this laughable monster? I mean, obviously Turi Meyer had a part in it, but where did he his writing credentials? Coney Island Funhouse Writers Collage (go whitefish!)? Some of Sandman's lines are written with such pomp and circumstance it's ridicules. One instance in particular when he's about to off a gang banger Sandman starts speak singing “rock-a-bye-baby” being careful so slow down the last few words for emphasis. You can see he really tried; the whole “Sandman is Griffins brother” thing might have been a nice twist in a better though out movie, and killing Griffin in the end, also, would have made a good hook… if I felt anything at all for him (spoiler there, sorry… as if your going to see this movie anyway). If anything, “Sleep Stalker” is a good idea that was pondered on ether way too much, or not enough, I can't decide which. Oh and don't expect anything good on the extras front ether. You can change languages, but that's hardly an “extra” as we know it; being the fat, capitalist pigs we are and all.
 
You know, I poke fun at Sci-Fi channel a lot, but the truth is, I do love them, and the fact that they haven't aired this piece of crap is proof enough of their integrity. You may have noticed I gave “Sleepstalker” one skull. Why would I not give it a total shit rating, you ask? We'll truth be told “Sleep Stalker” can be mildly entertaining, but only when drunk, or stoned, (truth be told you might understand it BETTER) but if your sober at all you have no business with it. Best to just leave it forgotten carrion to the sands of time utilized so very relevantly in this closing remark.

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