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SlingEZee Instructional Video

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Directed by: 
Hap E. April
Fule S. Daye
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I receive all sorts of strange DVD videos and sometimes I just can’t seem to figure out what the point of them is. This one comes from a company called SlingEZee and it seems to be about some sort of cloth monster that really enjoys suffocating mothers with small children. But this isn’t a monster movie; it’s more like a narrated expose as the (SlingEZee) monster is posed with the mother in sequential shots, devoid of action of stop motion of special effects whatsoever. The monster is obviously a cheap fabric puppet with no latex shell that actually has to be posed, held into place by the evil beast’s seemingly endless prehensile, position shifting “tail”. Not only that, but it has the worst background music of any creature feature I have ever seen, When I see a monster stalking and mauling women I need a quintessential 80’s industrial synth chase theme that sounds it was lifted from a Terminator movie, not soft, brooding instrumental stringed melodies that give me flashbacks to the EXACT same canned music they played the last time I buried a grandparent or got a colonoscopy.

Of course, maybe the SlingEZee is a fetish film, where people like to see mother and child bound together with a specially designed fabric restraint? Personally, I don’t think children belong in fetish videos and I was about ready to call the Federal authorities. But we can relax here, while mother and child are indeed enveloped and held together in a million different ways by the evil entity that is known only as the SlingEZee, there is no disrobing or even hint of sensuality except for the twenty times breast feeding is mentioned, but all those with a lactation fetish or love of milk play need not bother here, as there is absolutely no nudity or depictions thereof.

Also the narrator is kind of a drag.  With a female singsong voice, she not only names the various movies of the SlingEze as it engulfs a poor mother and child, she actually names the positions aloud, as the poorly rendered fabric boogeyman gets an anaconda grip on the poor mother and child for the duration of this, crudely and obviously manipulated into place by the very actress who was supposed to be attacked.  Editing, anyone? As a movie viewer I wanted, needed to lose myself in the strange strangulation straight jacket that was the SlingEZee, but the only thing choking me here was the bad effects.

At one point the human child actor is awkwardly substituted for a rubber baby and I began to cringe because I thought there was going to be a terrible scene of infanticide rendered in grisly special effect, but there was just more awkward positioning and strange narration of the many moves that this monster can do…when the victim snaps it into place, that is. Additionally, sometimes the female victim was an actual woman actress and other times she was an obvious headless mannequin.  I think this might have been another sort of editing mix-up, as this scene appeared in the beginning of the movie and perhaps the woman gets her head eaten later in the movie? It is difficult to say, but it is among the worst continuity error I have ever seen in a film. At least until the rubber stunt baby and the live baby were shown in the same frame! 

And speaking of shifting characterizations that make no sense, at one point the unseen narrator is replaced by an actual woman who turns to the camera and breaks the fourth wall as she talks to me “about my baby”. What the hell?  Just because your own biological child was obviously eaten by a cheap fabric boogeyman, doesn’t give you the right to speak of anyone else’s “baby”.  Perhaps she was a madwoman antagonist character who lost all sense; became obsessed after losing her own child to the devil’s blanket and this is why she spends her entire onscreen existence wrestling with her guilt as well as a giant fabric straightjacket in sickening colors?  It would explain why she is usually seen with the rubber baby a lot.  Psychiatrists would call this dysfunctional expression of motherhood caregiving tendencies to a toy doll, “transference”.  I call it sad, awkward and terribly off putting and it took me forever to get turned on by this and even then only when I tied things around my own throat and choked myself like “SlingEZee” did to women and children in this film.

I worry about the people who send me this stuff.  What a bunch of demented and perverted freaks with no respect for the mastery and mystique that is underground film. I give it five stars!!! 

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