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This Ain't Jaws XXX

Review by: 
Sinferno
Release Date: 
2012
Studio: 
Hustler
Genre: 
Adult/Parody
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
1 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.85:1
Directed by: 
Stuart Canterbury
Cast: 
Evan Stone
Alexis Ford
Lily Labeu
Movie: 
4
Extras: 
4
Bottom Line: 
4
Video: 
Click to Play

In 1975 Steven Spielberg created a monster movie that was the most ambitious and high concept summer flick that had ever been attempted and would change the genre forever.  For the first time, the bad thing in a big budget blockbuster was not going to be some kind of evil humanoid “guy in a rubber suit” with ancillary special effects, but a 1:1 scale rubber shark puppet robot that operated exclusively on a series of remote controlled servos and ran on underwater tracks. Sadly, the effect never worked right and much of the shark footage was cut out of the film.  Yet the glaring absence of the shark in most of the scenes didn’t doom the picture. In fact it gave the film a classic creepy, almost Hitchcockian flair which made it easily one of the top 5 terror films of all time and single handedly started the genre of the “creature feature” of monster protagonist movies based on ordinary earth animals turned rogue (or swarms of them). Let us watch the Hustler Pictures version of “Jaws” and see if this it is a proper adult film tribute to one of the oldest, most respected “fish story” of the horror movie canon. Gee, I wonder what they will use for chum?

The first thing that must be said is that this film is a faithful representation of the original Jaws film minus the usual expected pornographic licenses. The blonde at the beginning of the film still dies (after having actual sex with her boyfriend), Mayor Vaughn and shark specialist Dr Hooper still engage in a private meeting to figure out the best way to kill the shark, except they are now both women and lipstick lesbians-a cast change that makes this the first time that the public official and the biologist in a monster movie ever found such “agreement” with one another so eagerly (about three times). Evan Stone eventually shows up playing the part of Quint, adding his usual comic, mad wackiness to the seasoned shark killer character, right down to his surly mannerism, salty dog sea demeanor and his dutiful attempt to master a New England fisherman’s accent. From the CGI shark that would have made Spielberg himself cream his jeans (had he seen it in 1975) to the actual Orca boat replica stage utilizing green screen work that was at least on par with most of the visual effects SHARKNADO 2, this film was a “slick as a fish” porno production that did much to blur the lines between visceral terror and hot sexual fantasy that one would all but demand from an adult film based on a horror standard. I remember the worst adult film I ever reviewed for Horrorview, a Jaws Parody called GUMS  and happily, this was light years beyond that adult abomination in every conceivable, technical and visual way. Furthermore, the sense of humor evident in most every scene helped the entertainment value, even and especially to those who remember the original film. In fact even with all the greased, gleaming, high resolution depictions of sex going on, my most enduring memory of this film will always be the following moment of dialogue where Quint (Evan Stone) is sitting on the deck discussing his unconventional (and perhaps the most unthinkable) shark catching technique:

“When this shark gets a taste of this tasty chum, he comes swimming around the boat once more, When he does, I'll reach in my trousers, pull out my big worm and dangle it out there all wet an' willy, swimmin' around getting it all salivating. And when it leaps out of the water, I'll grab it and I'll help move it, right to Hell and gone!” 

Suddenly there is the expected shot of a giant great white shark breaking the waves alongside the boat, though only for a moment. Then Dr Hooper (Alexis Ford) says “I think you are going to need a bigger dick”. 

Awesome!

My only problem with the film (which may make me seem even more pretentiously ghoulish than usual in my reviews) is simply the fact that there was no blood it whatsoever. Not that I think all porno movies should be violent, nor am I saying that a good adult film parody cannot survive on humor and sex alone. Heavens no, I would never say that. It’s just that in a film like JAWS, even a single drop of blood in the water for purposes of visual symbolism would have done wonders to secure the final bit of authenticity in a film parody that strove so hard to have some of the more complicated nuances from the original film. There was at least one death in the film that seemed like it didn’t even happen due to this films failure to show any scenes of “carnage” and if I hadn’t seen the original film, I would wonder why this character just seemed to disappear from the film. An adult film horror parody should always have a little blood in it (provided the original R rated film did). After all, it’s not like directors of porn films have to worry about losing that commercially desirable PG-13 rating that causes so many commercial films to ultimately be sanitized, censored (and ruined) by their directors in order to maintain the greatest commercial audience in accordance with the wishes of the greedy studio executives. So to all you horror parody directors out there let me just encourage you to “let the blood flow” whenever the original script dictates! It’s not going to cost you ticket sales. We are all adults here.

Extras include the 2D and 3D versions of the film on separate DVD’s complete with a pair of anaglyph cardboard glasses. The old-school 3D version looks good, even better than it did in Jaws-3-D (1983) and in the end is probably slightly less laughable than that particularly hated chapter from the original Jaws film series. Also included are behind the scenes featurette and a photo slide show.

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