FOLLOW/LIKE US!
User login

Tomb Raider XXX

Review by: 
Sinferno
Release Date: 
2012
Studio: 
Exquisite Pictures
Genre: 
Adult/Parody
Format: 
DVD
Region: 
1 NTSC
Aspect Ratio: 
1.85:1
Directed by: 
Jordan Septo
Cast: 
Chanel Preston
Evan Stone
Lea Lexis
Movie: 
3
Extras: 
4
Bottom Line: 
3
Video: 
Click to Play

In 1996 a remarkable thing happened to various video game console and PC owners. Eidos released Tomb Raider, which was perhaps the first successful “third person” cross platform adventure game of all time. But this was more than a story of camera angles, though they may have played a large part of this particular phenomenon. For the first time technology had reached a point where game designers could render a player/character with natural curves, a revolutionary advancement from the crude, largely stick figures player/characters of previous decades.  Now, gaming companies could render human looking protagonists who not only moved in realistic fashions, but could “flesh out” the old wire frame animations of old (and flesh them out they did). Lara Croft was the first female character who was not only playable, but according to many male players, “doable” as well. With gigantic cone shaped breasts, a tight blue T-shirt and bodily measurements that would have made an anime girl seem somehow realistic if not biologically possible by comparison, Lara Croft became an instant phenomenon among the largely male video gaming demographic. Moreover, the new third person player perspective required you to spend much of the game staring squarely at Lara’s perfect, apple shaped heiny which somehow always maintained center screen like a magically subliminal reverse crosshairs reticle that secretly targeted every male player’s most suggestive thoughts for the tens of hours the game took to complete. To this day every third person game that features a scantily clad female protagonist: (Bloodrayne, Bullet Witch, Lollipop Chainsaw) borrows the same ass-conscious camera angle and men everywhere are thankful.  So mad was the lust for Lara Croft that rumors of “nude codes” were widely circulated all over the web (likely by the designers themselves) until someone actually made a nude patch for the PC version and Eidos shut them down at once with threats of legal action.  Even the Tomb Raider movie was a spandex popping commercial success, becoming highest grossing video game movie of all time.

The reason I bring this up is that an adult film version of Tomb Raider is long overdue. Between the commercial success of the original film (which became the highest grossing film of all time based on a video game) and the scores of male gamers who obsessed in vain about a woman who never even existed (as well as a few female gamers who I personally would just love to meet) the concept of a Tomb Raider porn is perhaps long overdue, a middle step between teen fantasy and adult sexuality that gamers, porn addicts, joystick jerkers of all faiths and ages have long dreamed of.

The movie TOMB RAIDER XXX stars Chanel Preston as Lara Croft, a fairly decent representation of the famed female protagonist.  The plot involves the reconstruction of an artifact known as “the scion” which is a canon worthy story we haven’t seen since the first game. Yet, porn purists need not worry about bogged down in developments of ponderous plot. There are actually very few “tombs raided” in this porn parody, unless of course you were to use it as a euphemism for sexual intercourse in which case there are lots. Miss Preston may not be able to master the intricacies of speaking dialogue in a trademark snotty Lara Croft British accent, nor throwing a believable punch onto a bad guy, but when it comes to acts of sex, the young porn starlet is at least as capable as burying bones in various holes with the same majesty, skill and ceremony of the ancient Egyptians (which is as close to as actual historical accuracy as any version of TOMB RAIDER ever got).

There are problems however. Because Lara Croft is the only truly constant, iconic character from the TOMB RAIDER universe, the scenes where she does actively not take part just seem to drag and lapse into “normal porno” (Only I could use such an oxymoron and have it mean anything). In all other Exquisite Pictures adult parodies I have reviewed, there was always at least one identifiable  “main character” stolen from some clearly copyrighted work onscreen at all times and as such, you never were pulled out of the hypersexual reality of it all.  Because of this, I wish Lara (Chanel Preston) would have appeared in every scene. It might have been a strain to her stamina, stomach and very soul but would it surely would have lent an undeniable onscreen accuracy to the legendary onscreen moxie of Lara Croft who routinely outruns jungle cats, swings from vines and runs for miles while wielding dual handguns, looking better while doing it that John Woo ever did. There is a fairly decent high concept scene of fully clothed Lara Croft rappelling down a cliff face that is shot from all the right angles, but the scenes of action (fistfight) violence are absolutely unconvincing, silly, Rated T for “tame”.

Still, this is undoubtedly the TOMB RAIDER adult film, a movie concept that existed in most male gamers minds (myself included) almost two decades before it was pressed to DVD. For what it is worth the character of Lara Croft as played by Chanel Preston is visually striking, compelling…fucking hot. With a 9mm handgun strapped to either thigh, a midriff blouse too short for most varsity cheerleaders and the trademark glazed look in her eyes that you only can see on (porn starlets/video game vixens) DVD box cover art, Lara Croft is an immediate estrogen avatar of sex and violence, a two legged mix of ponytails and military boots that the cult movie 17-34 male demographic fan base never seems tire of seeing onscreen for whatever trumped up reason, loosely cobbled into a plot.

I am giving it a three because TOMB RAIDER itself is no longer at the peak of its popularity, Lara (as the only living representation of the TOMB RAIDER world) should spent more time onscreen and there really could have been some greater attention to the elements of action so inherent to this series. To put it simply (and crudely) if Lara would have been as adept at “kicking butt” as she was at licking it, I might have recommended this more highly. Yet, for the TOMB RAIDER fan who always wanted to see their favorite femme fatale engaged in “special moves” mentioned nowhere in any game manual, but perpetually suggested in every moment she ever spent on screens both big and small this will be something fun for you and the special “Player 2” in your life. 

As always, the special features include a disk 2 featuring a “Rum Keel” depicting the final moments of every scene, a complete behind the scenes documentary and a photo gallery.

 
0
Your rating: None