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Review by: 
Head Cheeze
Release Date: 
Warner Bros.
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Jamie Blanks
David Boreanez
Denise Richards
Marley Shelton
Jessica Capshaw
Bottom Line: 

When Wes Craven's Scream revitalized the slasher genre, the future of the genre looked really promising. The studios were scurrying to get their own Scream-type franchises up and running, and new filmmakers were being handed cameras and crews, beautiful young casts, and millions of dollars to achieve that goal. Of course, as we all know, most of what was cranked out was complete and utter crap. Jamie Blanks' Valentine is the unsightly ring left around the bowl.
Five ridiculously attractive friends (and you know they are ridiculously attractive when the "ugly" one is hotter than any girl in your zip-code) recieve Valentine's Day cards with threatening messages that may be coming from a boy they taunted as children. Quicker than you can say Prom Night, the girls come face to cupid-masked-face with the killer and don't even have the decency to show us a single breast. Zip. Zilch. Nada. An R-rated slasher flick stocked to the gills with majorly hot babes, and not a single one of them could be convinced to flash a little skin? This movie has to give us something. I mean, hell, Denise Richards made out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things, and showed us pretty much all her goods in the process, yet, here, all we get is her in a bikini. Guys don’t watch a Denise Richards film to see her act. She has two expressions: looking hot and bitchy, and looking hot and bitchy naked. Let the girl do her thing, man! As for the rest of the cast, well,  they should all get naked too. Hell, even Boreanaz should go bare-assed for the female viewers! I'm nothing if not an equal opportunity pervert.
I suppose I should give you a better reason to avoid this film other than for its lack of T&A. I should, but I won't. I will say that I was bored to tears much of the time, and extremely surprised by the lack of gore (save for a hilariously unconvincing decapitated head that looks as though it were purchased from a novelty shop). For an R-rated slasher film, Valentine's tamer than the a lot of PG-13 horror flicks I've seen, with the bulk of the film's few measly kills either occurring off-screen, or edited so that they cut away just as stuff's getting good. Then again, it's a wonder they managed to squeeze in any kills at all with so much time wasted on the relationships of Dorothy (Capshaw) and Kate (Shelton), seemingly endless amounts of expository dialogue, and the introduction of several red herrings (whose inclusion is made all the more pointless seeing as how its painfully obvious who the killer is from frame one).

Like a lot of lousy films, Valentine get's a pretty decent DVD release that much more deserving films would kill for. Warner Home Video gives us a flawless anamorphic transfer with a Dolby 5.1 mix, director commentary, cast and crew interviews, and a video by the band Orgy.
Valentine works only as a drinking game. Do a shot every time you find yourself wishing it would end, and I guarantee you'll be passed out in your own sick before this one even hits the halfway mark.  If you want a good slasher film, look elsewhere, and don't be fooled by the sexy cast on the cover because the only people who get screwed in this flick are the viewers.


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