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Vampire Strangler

Review by: 
Release Date: 
After Hours
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
William Hellfire
Misty Mundae
William Hellfire
Joey Smack
Bottom Line: 

In the past twenty years an actress emerged that arguably became the Bettie Page of modern Sexploitation named Misty Mundae (Erin Brown). Whether it was due to her “girl next door” image, her enigmatic “Mona Lisa” smile or the fact that she looked like complete and utter jailbait when naked is unimportant.  She quickly made a name for herself in cult erotica and as typically so, made a score of knockoff soft-core erotica films, many of which still air on Cinemax to this day. Even though Ms. Brown has obviously now moved on with her career and starred in mainstream works like a recent episode of CSI and wishes to put her erotic work behind her, there was this little tape made early in her career with her boyfriend at the time (William Hellfire), which might have made it impossible for her to find work again, and, perhaps, has already affected her career in ways never experienced by an actress regarding her previous litany of work since the likes of Traci Lords. This film is VAMPIRE STRANGLER.

VAMPIRE STRANGLER is the cheap, low budget story of Lydia, a young girl from Transylvania (with a bad French accent, oddly enough) who moves in with her cousin, Billy (William Hellfire). They two rapidly become lovers, and have lots and lots of oral sex, broken up by day like a PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie.  There is a sub plot involving Lydia’s reoccurring dreams of eroticism and being strangled by a strange man in a cloak, yet, with only one male actor listed on the credits, it shouldn’t take you too long to figure out who the guy in the Satanic bathrobe really is (I’ll give you a hint, his name rhymes with “Silly”).  Before you have a fit, saying I ruined this movie for you, please let me say that would be a difficult thing for me or anyone to do as it would be like trying to defile a urinal. This is perhaps the worst movie I have seen this year and is only desired by ANYONE because there are prolonged scenes where Misty Mundae (Lydia) actually performs oral sex on Billy (Hellfire). 

While I hate using vulgar language in a review unless what I have to say can be said no other way with any sense of economy of my words, let me just say that this film is widely known and distributed as “Misty’s Blow Job Movie” and just about all her fans own it already. Everyone else will (and should) be likely put off by the complete dearth of plot, background music, and atmosphere. This has all the production values of a secret sex tape made by a couple of young kids to document their perfect love that eventually gets out of their possession, and released on the internet where it eventually threatens to ruin their entire lives, if not futures.  This is indeed apt, because that is exactly how it almost turned out for Misty Mundae.  While both Ms. Brown and William Hellfire both achieved some limited success on their own after the scandal, for many aficionados of casual smut, this sex tape released as an actual dramatic work will be how they will be most remembered and where I, personally, first heard about her. As a work of dramatic fiction regarding vampires or creatures of the night, this film is completely without bite. But as a living moral fable of why young teenage girls should never take naked pictures of themselves with their cell phone cameras for it may come to haunt them later in life, this film is a poignant moral fable about how digital media is a wicked monster indeed, with a very long memory and no shame whatsoever. While I hate kids, I must admit that if I had a daughter, she would learn early in life about VAMPIRE STRANGLER STARRING MISTY MUNDAE long before my sons would, at least the bizarre circumstances surrounding its production.

I hate to agree with every other film reviewer on the web about anything, but this is a case where we are all saying the same thing and, no, it’s not how we all wish for the head of George Lucas mounted on a pike. Everyone who sees this agrees that it is “for the Misty Mundae enthusiast only”, all others should wisely and respectfully avoid this like the unintentional mess it turned out to be.

Special features include trailers. A second disk is also included which includes some deleted scenes, a few short films regarding a young Misty Mundae where she looked like she really needed a bikini wax and a father figure (or at least a decent agent). Also on disc 2 the sex scenes from the main feature are isolated and explored in greater detail (which, let’s face it, is the only reason why this product was ever made anyway).  This film makes a bigger deal of blowjobs that happened years ago than my last girlfriend, and in either case I want a breakup (I don’t want to see either one again).

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