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Zombie Babies

Review by: 
Release Date: 
Independent Entertainment
Aspect Ratio: 
Directed by: 
Eaoman Hardiman
Rob Cobb
Missy Dawn
Brian Gunnoe
Bottom Line: 

As a man who routinely reviews controversial and often patently offensive works, there are some things even I don’t want to see onscreen. In addition to my overtly heterosexual tendency to flinch at the depiction of explicit guy on guy sex (to quote Seinfeld; “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”), I hate to see animals actually hurt onscreen, and, in a similar vein, I’m really bothered when child characters in a fictional movie are gratuitously killed! Not only do I feel that children have no business being in the majority of the films I review, but I feel that if you absolutely must kill a single child in a movie, you should devote at least a chunk of said film to honoring that child’s death, first by exposing the circumstances of the tragedy, slowly exposing the person or persons responsible, and then, finally, offering up complete justice or catharsis at the end. It is true for all genres of film whenever a child is killed. From THE LOVELY BONES, to THE RING, and even THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, it really doesn’t matter to me how or why an innocent child is killed in a film so long as it has a soft, happy, ending where the threat is nullified forever for all future generations (or at least until the next sequel). But that’s just me. 

While such an ending is admittedly bittersweet at best, it can be powerful if the memory of the lost child is often revered and always respected throughout the film and there are scenes of remembrance mixed with the scenes of despair, sadness, and often impending vengeance at the always intense finale.  If you don’t pay proper respect to the death of a young person in a film you make something that is cruel, stupid, and, for me, the worst kind of exploitative cinema. 

ZOMBIE BABIES is a film about abortions. Whether or not a fetus is a “child” is not something that I or any man using his real name should ever try to answer on the internet. Besides, it’s a meaningless discussion anyway, as this film is so patently disrespectful to children, women, men, and any other sentient being with either a soul or a remote control. ZOMBIE BABIES is a cinematic abortion all its own.  

ZOMBIE BABIES is the story of a backwoods abortionist/entrepreneur named Burt. His friend and only companion is Teddy; a thick headed Igor-type who does his master’s bidding and usually messes up everything he touches. Burt is a man with a plan. By offering cut rate abortions, he hopes to make a killing on the market.  At the opening of the film, his patrons are already lined up for the procedure. While the couples, themselves, make up a wide variety of horror film stereotypes, the one thing that they all have in common is the fact is that the guy in every relationship is more often than not a tremendous jerk, and the female patient/client/victim is invariably an unrepentant slut.  

After being shown around the filthy Hotel/casino/abortion clinic where these procedures take place, we are treated to several of the most grotesque, graphic, yet, thankfully, thoroughly unrealistic abortion sequences ever caught on film.  I suppose we should be grateful that we don’t actually see the detailed close ups of “tools piercing skin” during these procedures, but, instead, get a strategic camera angle where Burt and Teddy dig at something slightly off camera with a coat hanger as blood, gore, and tiny baby parts are retrieved for our visual benefit, and emotional detriment.   Of course because this is listed as a comedy, you can be sure that Teddy and Burt liven up this scene up by making crude and disgusting comments that are patently unfunny.  

If you are going to feel for the adults that endured these procedures, please don’t.  Most of the couples are having sex again within mere minutes of their abortions, which only makes sense when you realize the onscreen requirements of B-movie nudity trump all laws of medicine or the quiet inherent decency of reality. Yet there is another law of horror movies that states that innocent creatures that are senselessly slaughtered sometimes come back from the dead to teach the human characters of this film that “hastily made” choices can have unforeseen consequences… 

ZOMBIE BABIES is a typical “gross-out” flick; visually repellant and devoid of plot, typically catered to (although not always) the less sophisticated horror viewer (ie; young, gore-obsessed kids).  Of course no sane person would show something as mean spirited and misanthropic as this unrated film to a child, so what this leaves us with is a pointless movie with grotesque visuals as its last saving grace that can only be shown to the hardest gore hounds.  The problem with that is that modern cinema sickos can afford to be choosy in 2012. They have been spoiled rotten with modern digital special effects, and a decade of torture porn masquerading as mainstream horror. The sights and sounds of aborted fetus rubber puppets that are visibly manipulated by ice scream sticks digitally matted onto backgrounds with nary a hint of realism will never hold resonance with any modern audience over the age of 17. A horror “comedy” about backwoods abortions was an idea that most definitely should never have been conceived. 

Extras include feature commentary, behind the scenes featurette and trailers.

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